Ch 6 — Marriage in Islam / Breaking the Conditioning Mould
Women In Islam — Maulana Wahiduddin Khan
Badges mark quoted or attributed material (Qur'an, hadith, another author, an opposing view). Unbadged passages are Maulana Wahiduddin Khan's own words.
When a man and a woman come together in marriage, it is the joining of two different personalities. Each is different from the other in many respects. They are both conditioned to their various ways of upbringing and lifestyle. p. 165
When a child is born, he is conditioned by the environment he grows up in. The environment inside the home and outside moulds him into what he eventually grows up to be. This stays with him throughout his life. As a result, he starts to consider his way of thinking to be correct. When one begins to think in this manner, it is the result of conditioning. This happens to almost everyone. p. 165
And so, when a man and a woman come together in marriage, this type of conditioning becomes a problem. The woman looks at things from a different angle from the man. This can result in disagreements, which can blow up to great proportions. p. 166
The only solution to this problem is to de-condition one another. This can happen only when one opens up and engages in intellectual discussion with the other. A prerequisite for deconditioning is that one must be willing to admit one’s mistakes. Admitting one’s mistakes and trying to change oneself is the only successful way to de-condition oneself. p. 166
One way to decondition is given here. Before marriage, a boy and a girl live with their respective blood relations. These gradually become comfort zones for them. But, after marriage, they have to live in a non-blood relationship. This becomes, unconsciously, if not consciously, a non-comfort zone for both of them. They must understand that living in one’s comfort zone is not based on reality. It is only a psychological state which may be interpreted as a comfort zone. When they understand this fact, they will regard their situation as an issue of management and not a reaction. p. 166